Distressing Life

Developing a daily, coping plan takes time and energy and that sounds like additional stress, however, there are several simple steps you can try immediately while you examine and establish the longer-term daily coping plan. Learn to avoid, alter and accept.

Avoid--battles not worth fighting. Pick and choose wisely the issues that excite you, require extra time and energy, or endanger rapport of a relationship. Avoid also perfectionism. Perfectionism is unattainable, frustrating and neurotic. It is characterized by the presence of "should," "if only," and "ought" in the vocabulary of self-talk. Unrealistic expectations of yourself endanger patients and yourself.

Many people, especially women, seek to be "all things to all people." Thus, an inordinate amount of time or effort may be devoted to one project or situation when the person does not recognize this weakness within his/her own personality. Setting limits on yourself and communicating those limits is a healthy step toward ending the compulsion to be "all things to all people."

Alter--attitude and self-talk. Maintaining a sense of humor and positive attitude is essential and attainable. Learn to view stress as an enabler that provides energy to finish a project, the impetus to seek answers to a problem, the power to champion a cause. You remember the words you tell yourself far longer than those someone tells you. Learn to exchange negative self-talk for positive. Make a list right now of the ten accomplishments in your life or in the past year that mean the most to you. Haven't taken a "sick day" in months? Give yourself credit for it. Are you a loyal friend who would drop everything to help out? Include that. When the list is finished, keep it and read it daily. Perhaps a spouse or trusted friend could write you a letter outlining all that you mean to them, the qualities they admire and respect in you. Read it daily, too.

Cultivate your strengths. Recognize your talents as well as your limitations.

Replacing Negative Talk 

I can't do it.I've never done it before.

Doing something new is frightening, but exciting as hell. I don't have to do it perfectly the first time.

They're not here, they must have had an accident.

There's a logical reason for their lateness. It must be traffic.

I wish I were more attractive.

This outfit is great, but for someone else. I'll keep looking until I find what's right for me.

I'll never be able to handle all this work.

I can build on success. My previous performance earned me extra responsibility. I can do this.

Accept-learn to accept what you cannot change. You may need to redefine priorities and how best to meet them. For many people, over-committed translates into overwhelmed. Respect your time and energy as much as you respect others. Learning to say "no" actually helps you to do more by doing less, but doing it better. Part of being in control of stress in your life also involves learning to say "no," or if that is still too difficult, try: "I'm sorry; your invitation sounds appealing, but there isn't time in my schedule." Or, "While I would ordinarily jump at this opportunity, this isn't a good time for me to take on anything extra." Or, "You can't afford my services." Phrases like these allow you to graciously decline, without using the word. "No."

Communicate your needs clearly and openly, using "I" statements, "I want," "I need," "I choose to." Become aware of the demands you place on yourself. Demands are a source of strength, especially when they are unrealistic. When you accept others, yourself and situations as they truly are, you can become more effective in dealing with them.

Dealing With Change 

Change is a major source of stress. Change challenges you to let go of the past, especially the comfortable, old ways of doing, to accept new challenges and opportunities for growth. There is an illusion that you can manage change by controlling the world around you, however, change is most effectively managed from within. Mohandas Gandhi explained, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world."

Approach changes with a plan, a method of creative problem-solving. See problems as situations in need of improvement. Goals are the ways to improve the situation and programs or plans are the means by which goals are achieved.

Mastering change involves looking at the world through new lenses. Alexander Graham Bell wrote, "When one door closes another door opens; but if we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the ones which open for us."

The first step is to seek inner stability. Maintain the calm of an open mind, encourage flexibility in the face of rigidity, and be willing to abandon former perceptions and security blankets. Change, like stress, can be beneficial when harnessed.